Balancing Dependence and Self-Sufficiency
Asking for help when we are in our most vulnerable state should be something society encourages from a young age. However, when you look around, you realize that many people still find it difficult to ask for help, even when they have access to those who can offer some level of assistance. Realizing that I am one of such people has put me in many uncomfortable situations in the past, but it has also helped me understand the pros and cons of it all.
I grew up in an environment where people often asked others for help. Back then, community truly served its purpose. People could ask their extended families for financial support, friends could offer each other temporary accommodation, and it was even possible to borrow money from well-to-do individuals in our various towns. The chances of receiving a positive response were quite high, and many people benefited from this.
Interestingly, I grew up with a dad who found it difficult to ask others for help, even in difficult situations. If he had 10 kobo, he preferred to manage it with his family until he earned more. If we had one pot of soup for the week, he and my mom would ensure we ate first before they did. I believe this was the first way I learned to shy away from asking for help.
I internalized this behavior without fully understanding his reasons, until later, when I realized that it stemmed from his desire to avoid disappointment, gossip, and the constant reminders that can come with receiving help from people who believe money or assistance defines everything.
This mindset followed me into adulthood, and even now, I rarely ask for help. I could be in the most difficult situation and still try to handle everything on my own. I remember a time I was stranded and could not reach my family, yet asking my friends for help felt like a herculean task. I was afraid of being questioned, disappointed, or seen differently. It was then I realized how much my childhood had shaped my perspective, especially when my friends began to question why I never asked them for help.
Thankfully, my years of friendship with the awesome humans in my corner have helped me open up a little. The assurance and support I get from them is one of the most refreshing thing to experience. I now understand that my closest friends and family are my support system, and I should be able to rely on them without feeling like a burden.
I have also learned that being vocal about my needs is often the only way to receive support. It helps me identify those who will not see my vulnerable moments as weakness, but as part of being human. I've realized that staying silent because of the many “what ifs” in my head can limit opportunities and even keep me stuck in situations that could be avoided. So, while my refusal to seek help in the past has protected me from certain forms of disrespect or vulnerability, I see how it can also hold me back.
My only rule is that I do not ask for help from strangers, casual acquaintances, or people I barely know. This is a stromg boundary I've tried not to cross over the years. No matter how much help I need, I prefer to reach out to my closest friends and family first. If they are not my first point of contact, then it means something is wrong with the community I am building or have tried so hard to build. Fortunately, they've been reliable and I intend to keep my need to ask for assistance around them only.
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