Can't Just Hop in the Truck and Go

I have a condition that causes me to pass out sometimes. Sometimes I can tell it will happen, sometimes not. No pattern I can predict. Just here one moment and on the floor the next. You've read about my kitchen floor incident. That's not the first time. Won't be the last.

Because of instances like that, I don't drive anymore.

The wife usually takes me places. Appointments. Errands. Whatever needs done. We have to coordinate schedules and carefully plot everything on a single calendar. Her appointments. My appointments. What can wait. What can't. It's a system. It works. But it's not the same.

I hate depending on anyone. Including her.

I was self reliant my whole life. Military career. Civilian career. I figured my own shit out. I went where I needed to go when I needed to go there. That's just how it was. Now I ask for rides like a teenager.

It makes me feel small. That's the truth. I know she doesn't see it that way. I know she's happy to help. I know it's not a burden to her. But it feels like one to me. Every time I have to ask. Every time I have to wait. Every time I have to schedule my life around someone else's availability.

The hardest part about losing that independence isn't the logistics. We figured that out. The hardest part is losing the spontaneity. Can't just hop in the truck and go. Can't decide at 10 AM that I want to grab breakfast somewhere. Can't take a drive to clear my head. Can't run to the store for one stupid thing without it becoming a whole production.

That freedom is gone.

I'm not looking for pity. This is just how it is now. Plenty of people have it worse. I've seen them in the VA waiting room. But if you've never lost the ability to just go, you don't know what it takes from you. It's not just transportation. It's autonomy. It's identity. It's the feeling that you're still in control of your own life.

I'm working on accepting it. Some days are better than others. Today I'm just putting it down in words so it doesn't sit in my head.

Thanks for reading, Joe

_{Notes: -All content is mine unless otherwise annotated. -Images are my own unless otherwise noted. -Photos edited using Linux photo editor and drawing and/or iPhone SE. -Page Dividers from The Terminal Discord.}